Psycho Babble

He'd suck a journo's cock for 1 million, fancies the idea of voodoo, and hopes for a violent death. Hurry, Travis's Fran Healy! Get on the couch before you're locked away!

	Relative to the population at large, how do you rate your physical attractiveness? Your intelligence?
	I'm unstoppably and absolutely iconically beautiful. And it's about time I was recognised as such. I'm massively intelligent, but who needs to be intelligent when you're this good-looking?

If you could wake up tomorrow morning having gained one ability, what would it be?
To be able to enjoy a book. That might sound silly, but I've never yet, in all my years, enjoyed reading. It annoys me because so many people tell me how brilliant it is, and I just cannae get it. And I don't think I'm dyslexic or anything.

Also, to be able to be invisible. I've only just discovered how brilliant it is having an answerphone. It's like therapy because I love the phone so much, I always rush to pick it up, and I'm trying to wean myself off it. You're there, but they don't know it with an answerphone--so it's like being in training for being invisible.

Do you prefer being around men or women?
Women. Just because I was brought up that way. I was brought up by my mum and my nana. My granda only came in on the scene when my nana died. I'm more at home with women, I find your regular guy annoying. Most of my male mates aren't what you'd call hard men. I have an equal match between the sexes of my closest friends--I have three very close women and three very close blokes.

If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you choose, would you? Who would you use it on?
Yeah, man. There's a million people I would use it on. People who are guilty of rape or murder or abuse of any kind--and who are getting away with it. They're generally men. Bullies. Get that doll out, dress it up in whatever clothes that person was wearing, get a wee bit of beard and moustache if need be, disguise myself as a hairdresser to get a bit of their hair, nick a bit of their clothes, and go for it with a giant pin.

When did you last cry in front of aonther person?
Yesterday, in front of my mum. She was going back to Glasgow. Before then, I hadn't cried for at least two years.

What's your most treasured memory?
Summer 1985, Saturday, July 7 or 12. It was a fucking beautiful sunny day. I was helping this bloke in the allotments, which our tenements looked out on, when my mum shouted from the kitchen windown to tell me to pack my stuff because I was going away with my relatives. I didn't think I was getting a holiday that year. My mum had ironed all my stuff while I was in the allotment, and within two hours, I was on my way to Blackpool with my best mate, who was my cousin, and my Auntie Babs and Uncle Bill.

We stayed there for about two weeks. I remember dragging my uncle and auntie on all these scary rides at the Pleasure Beach. I was about 11 or 12. Boris Becker won Wimbledon for the first time, he was 16. While we were leaving the caravan site to go back home, Live Aid was starting--we watched half of it there and half of it back in Glasgow.

When was the last time you stole something?
I never steal anything. I don't know why--I don't mind people stealing, but I never steal. Maybe it's just a fear of the embarrasment of being caught.

What's your most memorable dream?
I had a recurring nightmare when I was really oung. There are two scenes. One is of a small walk-bridge going over the Forth and Clyde Canal in Glasgow. I couldn't see anything. It was just still and twilight and scary.

Then it flicks to another scene, to a room in a block of flats, and it's really peaceful, and everything's finished, and there's a feeling of a gret weight having been lifted. There's a little girl with her hair tied back, kneeling on the ground, and she's holding a little plant pot with compost on it, it's a potted flower of the most bealutiful colour, yellow and pink and it's so vivid...when suddenly amid all the euphoria, this horrible noise comes from nowhere, and something huge covers the window like King Kong's eye--but it's not an eye, and you can't see what it is.

That's not the scariest thing, though--that's the little girl and how she changes from being totally engrossed in the flower to being the most scared person you've ever seen. And there's this sub- noise frequency, one of those sounds that rumble your ribcage. That's it. It blanks out after that. I never do find out what the thing in the window is.

When were you last in a fight?
Probably when I was 14. There was this guy who lived on the same row of tenements as me who thought he was it--he'd been giving me some gip, pushing me around and stuff. So I just kicked the shit out of him. I remember it real well 'cos he was a dirty wee fighter and spat in my face-- that's when I went mental.

If you could choose the manner of your death, what would it be?
The quickest possible way. I wouldn't like a slow death, especially not form something like Aids or a blood disease. I wouldn't like something that involved physical changes in your appearance, like losing weight until you're four stone, or something where all your nails and teeth and hair fall out. If you're old and it's natural, then I could live with it--but if it happened now, it'd be fucking horrible. I'd much prefer to be shot through the head.

For a million pounds, would you go three months without washing, brushing your teeth, or using deodorant?
Yeah, man. Fucking hell. I'd do a lot more than that for a million quid. I'd do anything, man. I'd get down on my hands and knees and suck you off in front of a fucking audience.

How close and warm is your family?
My family is just me and my mum, so it is close and warm, but any mother/child relationship without the father is almost like a married couple. Because you're so close, any problems get magnified a million times. I have half-brothers and half-sisters, but I'm not close to my father's side of the family at all.

Have you ever considered suicide? What is so important to you that withouth it life would not be worth living?
Suicide, no/yeah. You think about it, don't you? It's romantic. I could never do it, because of my mum. I went to this morbid exhibition in Glasgow which had body bags hung up on the wall--and inside each bag was a suicide letter. They had ones from kids of five years old to really old people. It was really sad, thinking about the state of mind people are in when they do that. The majority seems to feel alone, in that no one could possibly empathise with what they're going through. When I'm feeling really low, what keeps me sane is the knowledge that you're never in control and you never will be--that you're totally fucking insignificant, that whether you kill yourself doesn't matter, so why bother?

Someone you love deeply is brutally murdered and you know the identity of the murderer. Would you seek revenge?
Yeah, mean. If it was someone you reall loved, you wouldn't care if you went to the electric chair for it. It goes down to the animal instinct. Looking after your own kind...if you definitely knew who it was.

Do your interactions with friends involve much touching--hugging, kissing, etc.?
Yeah, but no exchanging of bodily fluids. It's something you need to do--there's something about human touch and exchanging energy with somebody, whether it be shaking hands or kissing. It's very direct and to be encouraged. It's also another way of breaking down walls.

What has been your biggest failure in life?
Not to have finished art school. I got chucked out in the second year, and sat back and watched all my friends stay on and get a degree--and a degree in art is about as useful as a man's nipple, I say, but when I left is when I started writing songs...

Melody Maker
March 20, 1999
Writing to Reach You: Everett True
Snapping to Reach You: Piers Allardyce

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