Travis - Melody Maker, June 27, 1998

All I Wanna Do Is Feng Shui

We meet TRAVIS hoping to explore the mysteries of feng shui, but end up hearing about Tampax and piss.

Feng shui: the Chinese art of shifting your furniture around so that it harmonises with the essential spirituality and mysticism of the earth. Good vibes through coffee tables, basically. Bollocks, you say? Maybe, but it's massive in Hong Kong and they're all really rich there. Gotta be something in it.
But what's it got to do with us? Well, with all those drugs and diseases and lo-fi bands, festivals are dangerous enough places as it is. The last thing you want is for your two-man teepee to be a hive of negative energy and bad karma. So, as a masterclass in festival feng shui for you, our spiritually minded readers, we at the Maker have set up a tent under strict scientific conditions, carefully warded off any evil forces, and, um, let Travis totally fuck it up with their filthy pop star ways. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Your feng shui's buggered, lads.
It's not a pretty scene: beer cans on the floor, stinky socks everywhere, and in feng shui terms, a jutting-out tent pole that's going to send beams of negative Shar Chi raining down on to whoever's sleeping beneath it.
Travis's singer, Fran Healy, is somewhat bemused, it must be said. "What's Shar Chi?" he simpers, picking up an old magazine and guiltily stuffing it under his sleeping bag. "Is it that yellow stuff? You know, when you get up in the morning and there's wee yellow patches on your bed and you don't know how they got there? That's what Shar Chi is!"
Guitarist Andy Dunlop isn't too sure either. "Maybe it's Shar Chi & Shar Chi, the advertising people," he muses. "Hmmm..."
"OK," says Fran suspiciously. "So how do we deal with it then, Oh Wise One?"
It's simple, any protruding beams have to be draped in bits of red ribbon. Now where would you find them at a festival?
"Use Tampax!" hollers Andy.
"No," scolds Fran. "You'd go to those stalls where they put those little things in crusties' hair, hide in the bushes, then steal them from a crustie's head!"
"Or from any Arsenal fans you see walking about," ventures drummer Neil Primrose, naively setting fire to a cereal carton and inadvertently pissing off the Eastern Dragon something rotten. "Rip up their shirts! So what else do we need to sort out?"

Well, for one thing, you must never sleep with an aquarium behind you. Or, in festival terms, a puddle. But by the same token, a pond in front and to the right of your door/tent flap will bring both financial luck and additional wives and concubines!
"Additional wives!" coos Francis. "Brilliant!"
"What if it's a puddle of piss and you're camped next to a toilet?" wonders Andy. "Will that do?"
"Great," beams bassist Dougie Payne. "Piss outside your tent!"
"Then you're advertising at the same time," reasons Fran. "Showing your goods! And you're leaving your scent! You've just gotta wait until the wind's blowing in the direction of some ladies!"
Finally persuaded that there might be something in this feng shui lark, Dougie grabs the Maker's Essential Feng Shui book, consults our pocket compass, and starts lugging the tent around until it faces directly south. It's the direction of the Crimson Phoenix," he explains. "Very good for you, apparently. Hang on, what if you're actually at Phoenix?"
Hmmm, not exactly likely this year, Dougie. Still,the organizers of Phoenix were probably dicing with commercial death by not running their site past a feng shui master or two, months ago. What were they thinking, eh?
"Yeah man!" nods Fran. "I think it's a disgrace. You know, every year, I always think, 'What festival's gonna be the one that goes belly up?' And this year my money was always on Phoenix. I don't know why, but it just was. They definitely should've sorted out their feng shui!"
Hmm, he may be taking the piss. He really shouldn't, though: according to a chart of birth years, Travis's ideal tent colors are black and blue, but red's a definite no-no. "That's all right," sighs Fran. "I wear a lot of blue and black, and we've even got a song called 'Blue on a Black Weekend.' What was the second bit? Red's really bad? Oh God, that figures. Iv'e got a red car and something really strange happened with it the other day. My whole roof was covered with flies--wee, tiny little fruit flies. Covered! I was shitting myself! Scary, isn't it? Is that because I've got a red car?"
"There are forces unknown," nods Dougie.
"Ah, face it," concludes Andy. "You're at a festival, you've taken some funny mushrooms, you've just woken up with a girl you've never met before, and you smell like shite! You're not gonna be worried about your feng shui!"
Oh well, on their head be it. But remember kids, don't let a wayward tent peg ruin your karma.
Melody Maker
June 27, 1998
Tent Peg: Robin Bresnark
Square Peg: Pat Pope

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